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the dahlia of the gods and the new youngsters of humanity : portray, scott richard, san francisco (2011)

the dahlia of the gods and the new youngsters of humanity : portray, scott richard, san francisco (2011)

the dahlia of the gods and the new children of humanity  : painting, scott richard, san francisco (2011)

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i really don’t consider so

when i 1st moved to san francisco, i experienced all these wild illusions and delusions.

it was late august of 2010. it was a attractive summertime.
the metropolis was sunshine-loaded and awesome.
i felt so alive immediately after two years of battling within a bitter marriage that refused to get started.

it was 1 of all those associations you regret the full way by means of, wishing you could pull you absent. but i was committed to the induce and the marriage experienced extensions — there was an introverted younger daughter who was trying her ideal to grapple with all sorts of abnormalities.

when i consider about her, i have complicated reminiscences. it is tough to envision all the things she was going by means of. her father was trying to arrive out of the closet, her moms and dads ended up separating, her earth was splitting into two residences in two worlds and there ended up so several circulating “lies of safety” swirling about her.

she was shy and judgmental. she was haughty and smooth-hearted. she was spoiled and intelligent. she could reduce you like a knife but lacked any further techniques in therapeutic all those wounds. she was a child of funds and privilege .

and she was 50 %-white and 50 %-japanese — a genetic mix that arbitrarily placed her into the group of children that ended up like her.

just isn’t that fascinating?

does it feel odd that children seek out all those who are like them intrinsically? so her pals ended up mostly youngsters of combined-race parentage.

but she lived in the most costly community in the entire area. so it wasn’t some type of ghetto encounter the place racism performs a substantial issue. it appeared to play a tinier issue.

but we seriously really don’t have a phrase for youngsters like her. even the u.s. president continue to receives known as black when he just isn’t black at all. whatsoever THAT suggests.

and everybody dislikes the phrase mulatto.
it is far too equine…

so why the fuck cannot we arrive up with a pleasant sounding phrase that describes the offspring of “not like” folks? are we seriously that uncreative? or are we racists? do these new youngsters scare us that way that i frightened my personal moms and dads and their church pals? is there seriously almost nothing we can do on this matter of identification?

i question what it would be like to be in that ambiguous color category. it is negative more than enough remaining white if you might be an artist. white is so not a color!!!! which is the amusing thing. or a little something like that.

in the long run, just isn’t it just the color of your funds that seriously matters??!!

anyway, it was more like tremendous rich children trying to fit in and be amazing. she went to faculty in montecito with minimal ones like billy baldwin’s youngsters who ended up treated to the great existence on a frequent basis. her “competitors” was the elite. and she experienced One of a kind issue on her aspect.

for me, obtaining experienced a great deal of instructing encounter with outstanding youngsters and prodigies, i was up for the challenge.

and it was well worth it.

we browse with each other and watched tv with each other. she hated that i talked the full time the tv was on. and then, finally, she stopped shushing me and begun chatting to the tv and me, far too. we’d chuckle at digicam angles and gaffer mistakes. we’d communicate about hidden product or service placement and why burberry would be big gross sales in the coming years and how kids’ tv, more than any other type of programming trains them for intake.

and we would sit and communicate about what we noticed and we’d browse style magazines and communicate about what we noticed and how style and funds and fame labored in our culture. i ordered her subscriptions for j14, seventeen, vogue junior, folks journal, and so forth.

we smelled fragrance samples with each other and we closed our eyes and talked about what we smelled [see photos underneath].

we sewed and we gardened and we hung out a great deal. we browse christian dior’s minimal book of style and realized why every thing he wrote was so darn amazing and straightforward to realize.

we talked about how girls have so several distinctive varieties of bodies and how it is straightforward to want to seem distinctive than you do, but how crucial it is to take who you are no make any difference what.

and she would arrive down to my studio and play with the cat and operate out into the property. she’d check out me paint and lounge on the household furniture. she was extremely straightforward to be around.

and she blossomed into the most gorgeous individual. she grew to become considerably less concerned of herself.

yes, it took about eight months to go from remaining a finish stranger and “weirdo” to her buddy, but in the long run, it was like viewing a glimpse of fatherhood.

and fatherhood just isn’t a little something that homosexuals ended up allowed to have when i was younger. except you wished to be a liar and fake everybody out and impregnate a lady beneath untrue pretenses. you know, marry her, choose her existence absent, allow her believe that she’s received it manufactured. that type of sickening cruelty…

when i was younger, folks explained i really should destroy myself. that i deserved to die for remaining distinctive than they ended up. and they killed folks in my town. they’d defeat them to death with baseball bats and received absent with it. homo hate was thick in san diego. it was brutal.

and as significantly as i hated myself for remaining gay and not remaining capable to alter myself to fit in with culture, i couldn’t hate myself more than enough to implicate some others in it. i could by no means hate myself that significantly. which is why i killed myself. i wished to be accomplished with the hate. i wished to silence all the haters and their voices and their judgment. and while i did not die for some unknown motive way back when — i really should have — i did silence all those voices.

they died as an alternative of me.

presently, in our program of extreme narcissistic capitalism, it is straightforward to ignore that folks lived in dread for their lives for remaining out and gay.

so, returning to the metropolis for me was this substantial exhalation.
i was returning to the gay bosom of the earth — the most significant gay local community to ever seriously choose up occupational position and stay for decades. the glorious castro (though, no more).

i was offering up santa barbara and the empty natural beauty that that existence afforded me and adopting metropolis existence. and i was dropping my “fatherhood”. and that broke my coronary heart.

but, apart from the younger daughter that experienced come to be more and more a aspect of me about time, there was almost nothing for me in that town anymore. my “lover” was seriously just an aged child. he would have meltdowns that led to these furious mood tantrums. and he would do it in entrance of her.

the degree of childishness was astounding. i would sit there in silence cringing as he did his odd and disassociated dance with existence. and she would get closer and closer the more he received even more and even more absent.

shortly, she was coming to me for every thing, as though i ended up her father. and which is when i realized i experienced to leave.

i wasn’t her father and could by no means be her father.
her father was intended to be my boyfriend but it was like obtaining a big apish child around that would throw things at the wall or attempt to make petulance into a deity. he experienced this way of destroying every thing around him. including me.

eventually, immediately after going on what really should have been this insanely wonderful birthday vacation celebration for the minimal one’s 10th birthday — which integrated a four working day journey to las vegas (3 significant conclusion exhibits, a gigantic suite at the four seasons, the beach and wave pool, ingesting out, luxurious binging, and so forth.), and a 3 working day check out to san diego (special passes to sea earth and the san diego zoo), i just gave up.

it was as if almost nothing we ended up executing mattered.
it was just icing. it was the ideal and the best, but the degree of appreciation was so embarrassingly reduced and her father was on the web consistently — his cell phone or his lap leading. living some type of distinctive existence somewhere else, fairly content to dismiss the equally of us.

and she was unbelievably worn out by all the items and extroverted actions. and we experienced to sit and wait in the lobbies of these extravagant accommodations while he experienced fights with the management at just about every spot we stayed in (to get greater gains lol).

and i experienced hit the lover. silently. to myself. splattered in the loneliness of it all.

and san diego was my home. it was the place i might grown up.

so by the time we hit sea earth with our VIP passes that received us ideal obtain to all the rides (she hated rides, so this was just yet another worthless thing he paid additional for and then experienced a substantial fight with her about her remaining “frightened” of almost nothing. and by the time he experienced manufactured her cry senselessly until she could hardly breathe. damn, just unattractive), i was by now at the shatter place.

some of you know that my family disowned me for remaining gay way back in 1990. it was an uncomfortable scene the place my twin brother shouted, “there usually are not any faggots in our family!!!” he’d gotten out of the motor vehicle and slammed the doorway, leaving me within with my moms and dads in a extremely not comfortable silence from which they by no means arose.

they quietly allow my brother speak for them. so i shed my family.

but they really feel negative about it and want to attempt to hook up. particularly my twin. and i forgive him. but we usually are not pals and we by no means will be yet again. he isn’t going to realize this.

it angers him. and he is no exciting to be around when he is mad simply because he can yell louder than a great deal of folks and he can do it for a extremely extended time. when, the very last time that i experienced seen him 5 years prior to, i experienced pushed him up to oregon so he could seem at properties that we ended up considering getting. he was going to expand weed. or at least that was his dream. and i was the funds backer.

but the true estate current market was ill — full sellers’ scene and every thing was overpriced by about 100k, so i backed out. he flipped his lid, even though he realized it was correct and that it was MY funds remaining invested, not his.

have to have i say that he sat in the back of car and shouted at me all the way from ashland to about sacramento when he eventually grew to become hoarse.

so i wasn’t exactly “stoked” to see him. particularly since he’d revealed up at my spot to make the highway journey in a motor vehicle my mother secretly served him to acquire for 15K bucks AND the promise that he wouldn’t convey to me about it, which of program he did quickly. thanks, bro!

my moms and dads, as significantly as they’ve disowned me, are big on exactitude and equality. so they ended up embarrassed to give 1 son a bunch of income and not yet another son. but they did it in any case and wished to disguise it from me. and, like most of their deceptions in this lifetime, it arrived undone quickly.

but we continue to took my truck (as an alternative of 35 miles to the gallon we received 15 and i drove the full way). and truthfully, that was fairly the journey. the pals we stayed with experienced lied and experienced been evicted from their home condition but figured if they told us that, we wouldn’t check out them (and we wouldn’t have simply because it was a company journey). but she wished to see me so negative she retained that hidden until we arrived.

so there ended up a great deal of justified causes why my brother was disappointed, but continue to, i wasn’t confident why he would want to see me in san diego on this journey.

we hadn’t talked significantly in 5 years, but he sounded thrilled.
so i agreed.

it did not go effectively. he went bi-polar as we ended up driving up the driveway. and the yelling did not seriously end for the relaxation of the working day. he was just so mad about every thing and i did not get any of it.

it is tough to pretend you might be “family” with somebody you by no means see and really don’t seriously treatment about. as a individual who has been informally disowned and formally abandoned by my family, i consider i’m a little bit more hollow than normal folks.

there is a little something fake about me.
like a wild animal that has been cleaned up and muzzled.
but folks are continue to a minimal concerned that my absence of family will make me extremely distinctive than them.
and it does.

i woke up the following morning, ears continue to ringing from the full scene the working day prior to. my aunt and her daughter wished to fulfill for breakfast. so we did.

but prior to that, a hospital establishment known as to alert my brother that my mom’s crazy brother (my aunt’s brother, far too) experienced long gone ballistic and experienced left the crazy folks unit on his personal. my moms and dads ended up out of town (i wouldn’t have been viewing any one in san diego if they’d been around, i would’ve just slipped in and out unannounced, but i continue to experienced some hope for my twin at the time). so the following individual in line, my aunt, necessary to know about this crisis.

having said that, by the time i eventually received to breakfast, my twin experienced used an hour shouting at me about the earth and existence and reality. my head was spinning so significantly all i try to remember from that breakfast was that my younger cousin experienced big titties now and that was going to be problematic in new strategies.

she is extremely wise, though and i often talk to her for guidance even though she’s literally 21 years more youthful than me…

so i questioned her, “sara, i cannot take care of folks in my existence anymore. i’m so not happy about the way i’m remaining treated and disrespected.”

she explained calmly, “you really don’t have to cling out with folks who make you miserable.”

and ever since then, i have been applying this axiom.
(aspect take note — ironically, immediately after all the berating and lambasting, i was so shell shocked i forgot to try to remember to convey to my aunt about her crazy brother’s escape from the institute. oops.)

so as an alternative of remaining any for a longer period in san diego, i received on a teach. i went back to santa barbara and i packed my things up and left.

ironically, as if to make this tale more saccharine, when i returned to santa barbara, my person and his daughter experienced manufactured, for the 1st time ever, a gorgeous gesture — they experienced drawn me a warm bath with distinctive salts and candles. immediately after two years of living with them and getting treatment of them and cooking most of the foods and executing most of the operate, they experienced eventually accomplished a little something for me that was intended to say, “we love you.”

it was so odd — appropriate when i gave up every thing, abruptly they ended up remaining wonderful. and i couldn’t enable considering how existence is like that.

how when some full asshole scrub dies, folks continue to get up and say how beautiful he was or what a pleasure she introduced to some others.

i felt like a useless individual remaining bathed in the love of useless communicate.

and i would’ve laughed, but it harm so significantly.

so when i 1st arrived in san francisco, defeat up emotionally and genuinely scarred by the existence i might managed to squeeze by means of, i begun portray flowers.

portray flowers will make me pleased.
i love looking at them and imagining what it would be like to are living within a rose or a dahlia. how several folks could are living in 1 dahlia and continue to get alongside?

and i painted so several damn flowers that i begun to worry that i would be recognised as a flower painter!!! aiieeeee!!!!

two things i critically really don’t want to be recognised as — a flower painter and a homoerotic artist. which is on my frightening listing.

but we really don’t get to regulate how we are remembered or how what we share in the long run receives shared.

or can we?

so i changed my artist title and grew to become several artists — a flor, JUZ, bliss, r. box (lively in 1992-ninety four), ear wah ling and scott richard.

scott richard holds down the art art.
a flor did all the flowers
JUZ did all the homoerotic art
bliss did all the girlie/lesbian art
r. box and ear wah ling ended up by now the kid’s book illustrators

and for awhile it type of labored obtaining so several different art personalities. but most importantly, it gave me the independence to be artistic without having remaining constrained to producing the same things all the time.

and, of program, torbakhopper received to operate around inspiring all of these artistic personalities with the wealth of his impression library from existence.

in my view, wonderful art just isn’t just about a gorgeous item or a viewpoint on a little something. i consider wonderful art has a tale that it tells that can be interpreted by the viewer. and a wonderful artist tells so several stories that finally, like a novel, there is a full imaginary earth to investigate.

i have around 800 paintings at the instant.
it is crazy. they just feel to multiply and then finally they include up. and i have sold about a hundred parts and quickly specified that several absent about time. so there is an tremendous system of product or service leftovers.

now, as the conclusion of my existence is speedily approaching, the idea of what to do with them haunts me. how will i guard them for the long term to see and get pleasure from?
is the medium seriously the message?

what will take place to all of these hand-painted love letters to the long term when i am long gone?

and, considerably less importantly,
what has happened to me in this lifetime?
it will come to this.

Posted by torbakhopper on 2015-05-01 04:20:19

Tagged: , portray , san francisco , scott , richard , torbakhopper , dahlia , flower , petal , gorgeous , a flor , pseudonym , painter , art , artist , san , francisco , diego , santa , fe , barbara , alan , Press , Enjoy , crafting , essay , homosexuality , homosexual , struggle , combined , race , parentage , youngsters , wives , spouse , extreme , narcissistic , capitalism , homophobia , mulatto , fatherhood , fireworks , explosion , orange , coral , yellow , JUZ , bliss , ear , wah , ling , r. , box , hand , painted , love , letters , hand-painted love letters to the long term , realism , california , california realism , theantidinosuarleagueofhumanvoters , anti dinosaur , gay , gentleman , scottrichard , scottrichardartist , scottrichardart , scottrichardpainter , scottrichardpainting

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